The Advice Beat with Auntie Cinders- April 2022
Dear Auntie Cinders,
I find it so hard to meet anyone new these days and I don’t think it’s just COVID. I’m not on any of the dating apps nor do I want to be. I don’t drink, so I’m not in the bars. How do I meet women for more than just a hookup or even just make new friends?
Signed, So Low
Dear SL - You’re not alone in being alone but I know that doesn’t make you feel better. Misery doesn’t necessarily love company. Some of us just don’t want company at all, regardless how we’re feeling. I’m with you about those dating apps. If I see one more picture of a shirtless guy taking a selfie in his bathroom mirror, I’m gonna regurgitate. I won’t tell you to go to the bar and sip an iced tea either. Watching someone get drunk, drunker, and drunkest while you’re sober is no fun at all. You’ll leave disgusted and they’ll think you’re a narc. Supposedly, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Match.com, Tinder, Grindr, etc. has made reaching out and touching someone easier. But is easier authentic? Just because your best friend from 6th grade accepted your friend request, doesn’t mean that you will rekindle the same bond you had on the monkey bars. Despite these technological wonders, a phone screen can not replace that spark when you meet someone face-to-face. You, me, and every other single person has been told to troll the grocery store or attend church. Why do old married people think you’re going to meet Mr/ Ms Right in the soup aisle? Given that only 27% of Americans attend church anymore, slim pickins there. So how do you make personal connections that are deeper than a swipe? Instead of taking advice from people that haven’t dated in 30 years, find things you like to do or want to try, and do them. Take a drawing class at the DIA or a carpentry workshop at Home Depot. Tour Spain with the crew from WDET or attend one of their Smart Politics events. Check out Meetup (meetup.com). Meetup has groups for all kinds of random activities, from travel, hiking, and exploring new restaurants, to nerd games and stamp collecting. I actually made a couple of friends that I still hang out with through a Meetup event. Of course I quit after that.
In the meantime, learn to be content in your solitude. Finding the comfort and joy in your own company is one of the most important gifts you can make yourself. Self content is a skill that will help you develop the confidence that draws people to you. People can sniff out desperation like a lion smells fear. Flipping your perspective from needing someone to wanting someone takes the pressure off. Tame Impala said, “Solitude is bliss, the space around me where my soul can breathe.” Breathe, SL, and make your fun, regardless of whether you’re solo, duo, trio, or otherwise.
Auntie Cinders
